Thank you, mom, for being you and making me who I am

It's Jan 3rd, 2009. For me, there are 2 reasons to celebrate. The first reason is it is a New Year, new life and hopefully the permament goodbye to old years and things I would like to leave behind. Although it's already the 3rd day, I only just feel that it finally feels like a new year, a better year for me.

The second reason and probably why the first reason exists in the first place is that today is my mom's birthday. I normally don't do sweet things and say sweet words to mom because I feel a bit awkward. But somehow today I felt like I should although I don't think my mom would ever come to this site and read it, she probably doesn't know it exists yet. =P

This second reason is very important to me because it is her birthday and that it makes me realise that if there was no her, I wouldn't have been here either. There is something very special about my mom that I want to write it out here, mainly to remind myself and hopefully to inspire others who care to read. I used to spend hours writing emails and encouraging message to someone else, someone who in the end hurt me the most but never wrote as long to my own mom, how shameful. This year I'm determined to do things differently, to always put family first and never again love someone else more than my family and myself.

So here is my story about my mom and how I would like to thank her very much for being who she is and making me who I am.

Mom is a special person whom I strangely feel close but sometimes feel too weird to express it. Well, it's all come down to the simple fact that she does exactly who I like to do, thinks what I like to think and be what I probably would be. There is a saying that people who are the same don't quite get along, I'm pretty convinced that it might be my case and mom. Sometimes I'd like to think mom is too much into philosophy and all the touchy topics. Well, the strange thing is, when I'm alone, I do exactly the same. When we talked on the phone, I often can't talk long because I feel like there is nothing to talk about, it's weird. Now, I realise that when you are extremely close to someone, you just feel that the person already knows everything hence, there is no more to say. I feel guilty sometimes for not trying to have a longer conversation but mom is always patient and forgiving as usual.

My mom is a unique person as she teaches her kids not to be the one who takes but gives and show us how to think positively when being disadvantaged. "Not having everything, problems, misfortune all make us stronger and better people with a bigger heart", that's what she would say if let's say someone tries to make our life harder. Sometimes I think that's too much and it's unfair to let others walk over us. But sometimes when my head is cooler and could understand more of her point, I see that fairness is not quite absolute or ultimate but a mere tool to make people happy with their life. Life is unfair anyway. So if I have to chose between a fair but full of unhappy struggles and unfair but with happiness from being accepting, I would probably want the latter.

Being my mom's daugther, I realise that success is determined by what and how we define it. Failur can turn into success with the right attitude while the opposite can also be true if unhealthy attitude plagues the mind. During the past 7 months of my life with disappointment and broken heart, I used to think I wasted so much time on such as small matter (small considered by others but critical for me). I used to feel stupid about myself and feel so powerless that I'm afraid I would never be able to get back up to where I was. But after talking to mom on the phone today, I feel different somehow. I might have fallen, I might have been stuck and I might have not done what I was meant to be doing in terms of my academic study. But I didn't waste my time. I learned a lot about myself (although I think I will probably forget and make simiar mistake again because that's me and I can't change it). I learn the value of my family. I learn to accept the imperfect part of me and instead of being unhappy about it, just be contend that it was not worse. =P

So how did my mom did that? Well, it's simple. Because she loves me no matter who I am, what I do, where I am, how hurtful or difficult I can be. And she's the only person (apart from dad) who I know will think of me as the most important person whom she would call or try to see whenever she has a chance. Before, I was looking for this kind of affection from someone else and was so hurt when it was not there, so silly. Now, I don't think I would be needing it from anyone else anymore, I know I have, always have had and will have it from my mom and my family. Because of mom's love, I'm able to regain my strength again and be brave enough to keep going no matter what life brings ahead of me and be happy about it.

Mom shows me that what matter the most is how we value ourselves. Some people value themselves by the income they earn, the house they have. Me and my mom pretty much agree on valuing what good things we do for and to others. No wonder whenever my friends ask me "what do you want?", I always ask them back the same question. For a while, I was accused of not being decisive, well, now I know it was not about being indecisive but more about putting others first. It's something some of my western friends would probably think a stupid idea but again, that's just who I am.

Thank you so much, mom, for being born today 55 years ago. For keeping your great soul and never give up. For giving me life, family, wisdom, lots of other things to keep me alive and healthy both body and mind, and the most important thing of all, love. I love you very much and am so glad I am your daughter.

Love you always,

Your little daugther (who is growing up), Am