It's been a while

Life takes you where you least expect it to go. This is my story....
During the past two years, I have learned enormous amount of life lessons, painful lessons that I have never thought it would or could happen to me. Yes, I was very naive in thinking that.

I was down, depressed, self-destructive and feeling ugly, anything negative one can possibly feel about oneself. And the worst is that I jump from one shattered heart into yet another battered heart. I allowed myself to do stupid things, shameful things and things that hurt myself and people who care for me. It was just a disaster.

My worst mistake was that I still tried to hang on to the possibility that there was some kind of explanations why things happen, still trying to understand what went wrong, what I could have done better. I was blaming myself. I was still trying to believe that it's possible to move on without cutting people off my life.

It took me a while, a long 2 years and risk of losing my PhD to realise that sometimes you just have to cut people off, forget them and let them go especially if they are someone who are painful to think about. Fortunately, I had a good wakeup call to realise early enough to let this process take place before it can interfer too much more of my life.

Today I'm sitting in a quiet house of the people who have been the most supportive to me all through my emotional turmoil, thinking about many more others who have been loving and caring to me unconditionally. The sunlight of the beautiful morning shines on the trees, leaves falling down gracefully and that just makes me want to share this feeling of fulfillment and strength that I have drawn from reflecting on my past.

For 2 long years, I have dwelled in the past and let people who do not appreciate me affect my feeling and my life. Today, there is no more of that. It's going to be hard to erase my memory of pain but I have made a decision to no longer let them have any impact on me in anyway. I'm looking forward. I'm looking towards the future and many great things I will achieve and I will become. My past mistakes will only be there to remind you of how to be better and try to help others so that they do not fall into the same trap.

Does my painful experience make me bitter? No. But it will make me a better person.

What I do make of these people who are painful to me? Nothing, they are just passerby. They are not worth keeping and no more significant than a stranger who we once cross path with and leave.

I'm glad I have experienced life in the way that it doesn't destroy me but strengthen me. I doesn't stop me from loving but appreciating the true from of love and recognizing the fake one.

I thank myself for not giving up, for fighting through the pain and conquer. I thank my family for always being there, loving me no matter what kind of trouble I get myself into. I thank Kathy and her family for adopting me into their hearts despite our differences. I thank Bob and Ros for providing unimaginable amount of support and care to help me get through the toughest time and providing sanctuary for me with their warm beautiful home. I thank all my real true friends who are always supportive and stick by me even when I make mistakes.

This is me and my stories. I hope that by sharing it, one day I can help others to understand themselves better and go through the trouble in their life with strength and good moral.

All the best,

AM